I know there’s this theory that you show your true colors in the time of your greatest peril. I wonder what that says about me?
People telling me that they’re ‘sorry’ for my diagnosis just makes me want to ask ‘why’ or tell them not to be. It sucks. Say it sucks. Laugh. Laugh out loud to let out the tension and admit the idea that if you had found out the same information would terrify you. It terrifies me. Don’t give me your sympathy, it avails us both nothing.
I have two taller-than-me reasons to fight, to grin and charge into the figurative fray that is my fight for survival. I am of the opinion that that defines me in this moment. The emotional and financial stress will build up and need a moment at some point to be expressed I don’t doubt that. I require of myself to continue ever forward, to lighten their burden of pressure while making certain that they still feel the freedom to develop as young adults. That really is the complication with them. I was already feeling the pressure of the last year before my eldest son turns 18. Is he competent to be a fully functioning adult, not quite yet but he’a working to get there on his own. The other, well, he seems to be reverting instead of moving forward. I feel driven to get him motivated and moving into functional, just in-case.
So, after admitting to my boys’ about my eyeball stuck on the near empty gas tank today I reflect inward, outward and from every angle. When I do pass, will I have caused them more emotional turmoil than necessary? When their dad passed, that was rough. He and Dorien were in the middle of a very emotional time and it complicated Dorien’s view of the situation. Do not put those who pass on pedestals. People are human. What we do in life is the same level of stupid as everyone else. Idolizing someone in death does not honor them, just the opposite. They lived. The learned and they fucked up just like the rest of us. Just remember that YOU make an impact and think before you act. I am trying, hopefully not failing (Cue awkward laugh).