• Lynn

In My Head, Screaming

Updated: May 11, 2019

Today was one of those days where : I’m rushing from one doctors appointment to the next place; my car seat belt light is continually going off even though I’m wearing it; I’m desperately looking to fill my almost flat tire; on the phone between stops trying to get whatever help I am able before the weekend; and playing phone tag with one of Dorien’s doctors for an appointment I can’t physically make it to. The fact that my blood pressure was normal when I was finally at the doctors I’m not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Positive thing, Dorien does not have Whooping Cough, small joy so I’ll take it. Got one big application for financial help done and grabbed another for utilities aide, will get that done over the weekend.

I’ve also come to conclusion that my youngest is seriously stressing me out. We all process stressors and traumatic times differently. His way of processing has been to withdraw into YouTube and video game exclusively. Little talking, does almost nothing but lay there, randomly eats (only cereal and bagels), doesn’t shower, and only goes to school because I make him. I actually ended up bawling in tears because I see it as a failure on my part as a parent when a kid won’t even help out his sick mother. Who wouldn’t help their sick mom? He’s gone over to my best friend’s to talk man-to-man and come home with a great speech and then bombed. We’ve gone to his therapist and discussed it. Again, no changes. So, I wrote out what he needed to do and gave it to him with the understanding that games and any show watching was off the table until I saw some actual improvement. Only two things were related to chores on that list, everything else was just him taking care of him. Let’s just say that he’s driving me insane. I’ve had to add the addendum that for every time he tell’s me he’s bored I tack on a day. Seriously, pick up a book and read, go outside, whittle some wood. Do something other than bitch and complain. Life does not revolve around games and YouTube. I actually snapped at Dorien, which I immediately apologized for and explained but, my behavior is NOT okay. Again, I understand we all process things differently, but we process and we continue moving forward. It feels like he’s chosen just to hide instead of making any decisions whatsoever. Hiding is not processing. Deal with things at your own speed, but deal with them.

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